Today is December 7, 2012. It’s the 71st anniversary of the unmitigated attack by Japanese forces on Pearl Harbor. I was thinking about this anniversary and the song, “Turn, Turn, Turn” by the Byrds popped into my head. The song is based on a passage from the Bible, Ecclesiastes 3:1-15. In the song and in the verses the song quotes, it says that there is a season for everything. There is a season for love, for hate, for war, and for peace. Pete Seeger wrote the music for this song in the 60s, during the middle of the Vietnam War. I hope you’d be hard pressed to find someone then or now that would automatically say that war of any type is a great thing, but yet I’d like to think that Pete’s idea in publishing this song was to remind people that if they care enough to look all things can have a purpose. Yes, even war. History is much more likely to repeat itself if people do not learn from the past on a continual basis.
I grew up in a home where my father was abusive. It took on many forms before he finally took things to heart, got some serious counseling and has really changed from the person he used to be. Our relationship will never be what it could have been had he not made the choices he did but we have a relationship now that I thought we’d never have. Part of my own healing from the abuse happened when I forgave my dad for what he’d done. This was a decision I made on my own well before he came to me and asked for forgiveness. I also realized that I had been raised the way I had for a purpose. Sometimes I’m still not certain exactly what that purpose is, but I still hold on to the belief that there was a reason for what happened to me.
I look at adoption the same way. This does not mean that it takes away the pain. It doesn’t make me joyful all the time, and it does not change my stance that adoption in general, most especially the domestic infant variety, needs a lot of reform. However I would not have experienced all the good things that have happened in my life without the painful decision that I made. I would not have connected with some of the wonderful people I now consider among my dearest friends. I would not have met my daughter’s parents, who I now consider family. I would not have found my joy in writing about not only my personal adoption story but in pushing for the adoption reforms I believe need to occur. That joy in writing has inspired a couple of big goals in life that I would have never thought would be goals at all.
I also think that the pain of my loss has made me more understanding of the losses of others and that in turn has made me a better human being. I’m far from perfect and I will never claim to be perfect. But I think that more understanding of the traumas that can occur in the lives of others can have a lot of benefits for our own lives. Is my loss absolutely the same as the loss of another, even if it’s another birth mom? Absolutely not. We’re different people so the way we approach our losses is going to be different. But seeing the similarities instead of touting the differences has become a personal goal. That is why I read of the losses experienced by all people in the adoption triad, especially from the people that hate adoption due to their experiences.
The song is also a good reminder that things are temporary. We must enjoy the good while it lasts and remember while in what can be considered bad situations that they’re temporary, even if the temporary seems to last a long time. This continues to be a personal challenge, and perhaps you’d like to take on the challenge for yourself as well. I know that adoption can be a painful journey with many losses leading to the decision to adopt and usually several losses after the decision is made as well. I also know that if you’ve relinquished a child that it is a lifetime of pain. I do think that remembering the pain you feel at this moment is only temporary will help even if you struggle with a new facet of that pain tomorrow. It may also help if you view whatever struggles you’re encountering now through the eyes of the future. Look at the struggle and see if you might be able to find some benefits. You may not be able to do so. But even the trying may open up a part of your world of which you were unaware before.
