The other day an adoptive mom who follows my blog emailed me the link to a post on adoption.com. In brief a mother was working with an agency when she thinking of relinquishing her baby. She took some funds from the agency to help with expenses and then decided that she was going to parent instead of relinquish. When she decided that she wasn’t going to relinquish she told the agency to stop giving her money. Now this same agency is suing her and the baby’s father for “breech of contract.” Apparently she and the baby’s father signed an agency contract promising to relinquish through that specific agency. The adoptive mom who brought this to my attention as well as emailing the [Birth Mother,] First Mother Forum about it said that she felt this agency’s behavior was akin to buying the baby.
This admittedly shocked me. My own agency did give me a couple of gift cards to buy groceries as well as my caseworker taking me out for meals. However, by the time I was working with the agency at all I was firm in my decision to relinquish. I’ve been wracking my brain to remember, but I don’t believe I signed any contract promising that I would relinquish Mack through their agency. In fact the only documents I believe I signed at all were on the actual day of relinquishment and placement with Mack’s parents.
So I talked to my friend Coley of BirthMom Buds. She wasn’t surprised that the agency wanted to get the money back they’d spent on this specific mother before she decided she wasn’t going to relinquish after all, though she told me she’s never heard of an agency suing to get the money back. She then told me that usually agencies just have to “scare” new mothers into paying them back and that it’s not uncommon for agencies to have mothers sign contracts stating they will pay them back for any expenses covered if the mother decides to use another agency or decides to parent instead of place. Coley said in her own situation when she first found out that she was pregnant she contacted an adoption attorney near where she lived. They immediately had her go to a doctor and then paid for it. Coley then realized that she was uncomfortable with that attorney and that’s when her son’s parents entered the scene. They were actually using the same adoption attorney (though the attorney hadn’t facilitated the meeting) and when Coley’s son’s parents found out that she was uncomfortable with that attorney, they switched attorneys. Her son’s parents had to pay the first attorney for her doctor bill despite the fact that they as well as Coley weren’t using that attorney anymore.
I’ve briefly touched on the subject of paying expenses for expectant mothers considering adoption before. Though I realize that expenses paid with an understanding need to be paid back by someone, this whole idea is strongly reminiscent of paying for babies, like the adoptive mom said. Coley also mentioned that there were agencies that not only pay for housing for pregnant women considering adoption but advertise gym facilities and swimming as well. So I did a little research and found an agency that offers those “services.” It’s AdoptHelp, Inc., and their website says:
You deserve safe and comfortable housing. AdoptHelp is unique in that we do not require birth mothers to stay in central housing. Rather, we have fully paid apartments available across the country. We provide accommodations, which may include, among other things, a swimming pool, gym, transportation and security. We are here for you to find the right housing situation that meets your needs.
After further reading on the website I cannot find a specific statement that says if you accept housing from AdoptHelp that you will have to pay those expenses back should you decide not to place your baby after all. It does say in their FAQs that, “Your adoptive family will pay for any costs related to the adoption process.” I presume this also includes housing expenses. However, even if the hopeful adoptive parents pay those expenses, the fact that they’re directly or indirectly paying for housing is heavily coercive. Imagine a mother who may feel trapped by her current circumstances and needs help with housing. If she reaches out for help and gets that help from an agency or from a set of hopeful parents directly, she is most likely going to feel that the only way she can “return the favor” is to relinquish her baby “as promised.” I strongly believe that if a mother needs assistance with housing and/or living expenses that the agency should only be involved in assisting her to find those resources on her own and that the agency should not be providing those resources at all. I don’t know this for certain, but I believe that there are government programs in every state to assist pregnant women in getting food, shelter, and medical care, and if there aren’t, those programs should be created. I would gladly see my tax dollars go to those types of programs.
Even though I had already made my decision and my daughter had been born by the time the agency I used was contacted, I did feel deep down that the agency was bribing me to continue with my plan of relinquishment by taking me out to eat and by providing me with some basic living expenses. I doubt that was the intention, but it felt that way to me. I admit I had less of a problem with accepting the gift cards for groceries after placement had occurred. Though I’ve never asked, I assume that the money used came out of the general fee that T & C had already paid for the general umbrella of agency services.
I still feel that if hopeful adoptive parents would like to contribute to an expectant mom’s general living expenses that they should do it out of the goodness of their own hearts and not with any understanding that said expenses will be paid back if the expectant mom decides not to relinquish. Along those same lines, I think adoption fees should cover legal expenses and the expenses incurred directly by whatever agent on the hopeful adoptive parents’ or the expectant mother’s behalf. If adoption fees did not cover agency/attorney advertising, mandatory expense payment for expectant mothers considering relinquishment, and other expenses such as those, I think that it would feel a little less like mothers selling their babies to the highest bidder.