I ran into something today that I cannot get out of my head. I asked a few of my friends on Twitter about it and they seemed to feel the same way I felt about it so at least I’m not alone in feeling the way I do.
Yesterday on the Facebook page of Creating a Family: Talk about Adoption and Infertility, the group moderator posted a link to a blog post she’d written about international adoption. She posted the comments from the original blog on the link to the blog post. One of the comments received on the blog stated that the reason the specific person commenting adopted internationally was specifically to “avoid any ongoing contact with birthparents.” I commented back on that specific comment saying that not only is avoiding any contact with the birth family impossible even if you don’t have direct contact, but that it’s not good for the child and the relationship with that child. After I left that comment there were several people that agreed with me, and somehow the subject of the post got turned around a bit.
Someone on the post stated that she and her husband had been “expecting” for three years prior to the adoption of their child. She said that even her agency social worker had referred to it that way while they were on the waiting list. I can no longer see the comments the person wrote as I suspect I’ve been blocked (since someone else addressed her). I also don’t know anything about the person’s situation. Presumably this person was commenting because she and her husband had adopted internationally, though people were commenting on the post that had obviously not adopted internationally, so they could’ve adopted domestically as well.
To me, a hopeful adoptive parent telling other people they’re “expecting” when they’re hoping to adopt just rubs me the wrong way. Even in reference to international adoption where the child has already been born and is presumably waiting in an orphanage, the term seems wrong. To me, it focuses the attention on the hopeful adoptive parents, which is exactly where it should not be. I’ve discussed at great lengths before my conviction that the focus of adoption needs to be centered on the child involved and not the parents. This includes both the adoptive and the birth parents (if they’ve already relinquished), as well as the expectant parent considering adoption and hopeful adoptive parents.
I can understand that to stay “hopeful” during a long wait for matching or for adoption approval when adopting internationally can seem unfathomable. It would seem much more positive and proactive to say that you’re “expecting.” When a woman gets pregnant and decides to carry the pregnancy to term, she’s expecting that child to arrive around the due date and in a healthy condition. There’s expectation there because millions of women throughout history have had pregnancies happen similarly. Even if there’s not necessarily an expectation of perfect health or a full-term pregnancy, she’s still expecting that she will deliver the baby she’s carrying. The baby is not going to stay in her uterus for months past her due date or even years later.
When a couple that wants to adopt starts the process, there is no absolute guarantee that a baby will be “delivered” to them, even if they’re trying to adopt internationally and not domestically or via foster care. There is no magic adoption stork that decides to drop children in the laps of people that want them. I’ve read stories of hopeful adoptive couples being almost certain of adopting a specific child internationally and having that same adoption fall through at the last moment. To imply by use of the word expectation that there are no other humans involved and that different choices can’t be made simply because someone desires it to be so seems too simplistic at best.
When “expecting” as a term is applied to domestic infant adoption, it carries darker implications. Any hopeful adoptive couple that has done even a little research will know that the possibility of adopting an infant domestically is much lower than it was back in the 1960s (Baby Scoop Era). To say that one is expecting an infant adoption to happen says to me that the women who are pregnant and considering adoption for their babies really have no choice at all. It says to me that because this specific person wants a baby that his or her biological mother is just a gestational carrier to give her child away. I see greed and desire for a child overwhelming the greater sensibilities of the people involved when “expecting” is used.
A hopeful adoptive couple is not “expecting.” They are not “paper pregnant.” They are simply hopeful that the right paths will converge and a woman choosing adoption will pick them to adopt her child or, in the case of international adoption, they’re hoping all the humans involved will take the steps necessary to make the adoption happen.