One of my dearest friends sent me the link to a post this morning. I read it once and then I had to read it again. At first it seemed like a blog post about the benefits of open adoption. But then I reached the end of her post where she lists the pros and cons of openness. Her pros and cons lists offset each pro with a con to “show both sides.” I did comment directly, but as I knew I’d run out of space before I addressed everything I wanted to address, I decided to write a post about it instead.
First I will address #7 in her list of pros. She says:
“The birthmother may be less likely to change her mind about the adoption because it would hurt you too much.”
Consider my mind blown. I’ve stated this before, and I’ll say it until I have no voice left. We birth parents have not placed our children with adoptive parents to make the adoptive parents happy. I dearly love my daughter’s parents. I’m glad that they’re happy because it makes me feel good. But I didn’t place her with them to give them the gift of my daughter. I gave my daughter the gift of parents who were more prepared to parent her than I was. Period. This statement says to me that she is among the hopeful adoptive parents out there that feel entitled to a child that belongs to someone else. That statement says she doesn’t truly believe adoption should be about the child no matter what else she says. Her focus is on her and what she will feel if the expectant mom with whom she’s been matched decides to parent her child.
#1 on the list of cons says: “Your child may never wish to search for birthparents.”
I’m confused how that’s a con. I always thought that if a person was that insecure about his or her parentage that their child not wanting to search for his or her birth family would be a good thing. Put in the lens of open adoption, to me that says that your child doesn’t need to search because he or she will already know his or her birth parents and how to reach them. Again, not a bad thing.
“The birthparents may want more or less contact than the adopted adult wants.”
If a child has grown up in an open adoption, then I’m fairly certain they will have a relationship with their birth parent(s) that will allow them to control how the relationship looks when the adoptive parents are no longer in control. All parents learn to let go of their children (whether biological or adopted) and trust that they’ve raised their children to be able to set clear boundaries in all their relationships. The same thing would apply in an open adoption relationship. No relationship can work without respect and love, and if there is no respect between a birth parent and their child then there’s a lot more wrong than not being able to set and follow clear relationship boundaries.
“An unstable birthparent could cause problems.”
Yes, an unstable birth parent can cause problems. But an unstable person can cause problems in any relationship, even if it has nothing to do with adoption. This statement says to me that the person who wrote the blog believes the sensationalized stories the media portrays about “crazy birth parents.” That, and she’s probably read blogs of adoptive parents who are having boundary issues with their child’s birth parent(s). I realize that boundary issues do occur. But I still believe that there are far more stable than unstable birth parents in the world.
“You may feel less of a sense of entitlement and see yourself as not a ‘Real Mother.’”
Actually, I know from talking to moms in open adoptions with their child’s birth parent(s) that the relationship only adds to and confirms the sense of entitlement to the title of motherhood. The above is a lie that fear tells hopeful adoptive parents considering open adoption. A sense of entitlement and the ability to lay claim to the title of motherhood is a self-imposed ability. A good relationship with your child’s birth mother will allow someone to see that a birth mother doesn’t want to take back the title she’s given to you freely.
“Do you really want more extended family?”
If you don’t want more extended family, don’t adopt. At all. When someone adopts, they take on that child as their own as well as the child’s biological family whether one has an actual relationship with the child’s biological family or not. To try to pretend that adoption erases previous biology and covers it with the biology of the adoptive parents is naive and increases the fears an adoptive parent may feel.
“Open Adoption may attract birth mothers who don’t really want their babies adopted and see open adoption as ‘halfway.’”
This one is directly the fault of adoption agencies. If a woman doesn’t really feel that adoption is the absolute best decision for her and her child, then she shouldn’t be “talked into it” with assurances that open adoption is “almost like keeping your baby” or that it “relieves the grief.” That is coercion, pure and simple. It’s adoption agencies being afraid that they won’t be able to “keep the money happy” so they’re doing whatever they can to rip babies from the arms of their mothers.
“The birthmother might feel she should have more input into childrearing than you’d like.”
If a birth mom is acting like she’s entitled to have a say in how her child is raised even when the adoptive parents don’t directly ask, that says to me clear boundaries haven’t been set from the very beginning. Hopeful adoptive parents get matched with an expectant parent considering adoption, they “fall in love” with the parent and promise the world to that expectant parent because they believe that promises will get the parent to relinquish her baby. Say hello to greed. That’s not greed for money. It’s greed for a baby. I don’t tell anyone how to raise their children, even people in my own family. I realize that there are some people that tell others how they should raise their children. But it is wrong, and it is also a clear opportunity for establishing boundaries.
“Often people lose track of each other and the birthmother may not tell you about health changes.”
Often people lose track of each other? That only happens when the people involved don’t truly believe in the relationship. I’ve seen it happen from the birth mother side when her child’s adoptive parents just let the communication gradually slide until her heart is broken enough that she decides it will be easier to stop trying than to continue hoping for reciprocation. I’m certain that similar things have happened to adoptive parents as well so I’m not saying that birth parents are innocent of doing the same thing. If this particular hopeful adoptive parent is only concerned about losing track of her potential child’s birth parent because she wouldn’t find out about health changes, that says to me that she doesn’t believe in open adoption except for the benefit of knowing health history.
Again, I realize that she’s offsetting each pro in her list of pros with a con in her list of cons. I hope she really does believe in open adoption for more reasons than just her potential child having a complete and changing medical history. But looking at her list of cons, I’m not entirely sure.
What do you think?
Edited: The author of the original post commented back to the comment I left on her blog. She said that she copied the list of pros and cons from an open adoption article. She did admit she should’ve cited her source and said she agreed with “a lot of them” on this list. I responded back and said that perhaps she should’ve only copied the ones on the list with which she agreed and added her own. Still begs the question – did she agree with any of the cons on the list?
Further edit: The original source for the pros and cons list is as follows: http://life.familyeducation.com/adoption/birth-parents/45775.html